Do you know what I'm seeing?
by slickchick84
Summary: AU. Spashley. Spence and Ash used to be friends, but when one of them came out the friendship died a quiet death. Now two years later things are about to change, whether they're ready for it or not! ON HIATUS.
1. For your viewing pleasure

**So this is a bit rough as it's basically something I'm writing to help me get over the little hump I hit with Senior Year. I've veered off the beaten path here a bit, character wise. Usually I write Spencer as she pretty much is on the show, or at least I try to, and the same with Ashley. Here it might be different. Well, I say might because I'm not sure where the hell this is supposed to be going! LOL!**

**So I don't own SoN. **

**As far as pairings go, you'd do best to just read and find out. There will definitely be Spashley, since that's what I write mainly, but I'm gonna be honest here and say that the other characters might get just as much attention in this fic as Spashley does. Not sure yet, but I thought it better to just state that from the beginning. **

**Oh and it's AU. I'm not sticking to the show much here. **

Title: Do you know what I'm seeing? 

Chapter 1: For your viewing pleasure...

Three o'clock in the afternoon was a sacred time in Spencer Carlin's opinion. It was that magical time of day when she could sit back, relax and just enjoy the view. A time for replenishing the soul, a time of deep contemplation and musings on what makes this life worth living. A time when her enthusiasm for life was renewed if you will.

It also happened to be when the cheerleaders of King High practiced their routine for the weekend's game.

Nothing could make you appreciate life more than cheerleaders in devastatingly short skirts. A high kick? Makes the fact that you're flunking out in Spanish seem nothing but a mere annoyance. Girls doing the splits? Softens the blow of your parent's collapsed marriage considerably.

"Crap, he so wants to have sex again tonight."

Spencer nodded her head automatically, her eyes intently trained on the head cheerleader doing a back flip as she muttered to herself.

"Such athleticism..."

A hand found the back of her head swiftly and she blinked herself back into coherency, a blush tinting her cheeks guiltily.

"I said, he wants to have sex again tonight."

Spencer finally frowned at this, her brain temporarily blocking out the sight of all the sweaty, flexible girls doing such...athletically pleasing things on the court in front of her and jumping into best friend mode.

"Uhm...so that's a problem?"

She watched as her best friend bobbed her head up and down, the firm mouth pressed into a thin line and the blue eyes she knew so well slightly cringing.

"Uh...yeah, 'cos he really sucks at it."

Spencer herself wasn't exactly an expert on the subject of sex with boys, or any kind of sex really, but she thought this was a pretty easy one to figure out.

"Then tell him you don't want to."

Carmen rolled her eyes, a breath being released in annoyance.

"Yeah, tell emo boy I don't want to and then listen to him whine about it the whole time. I think I'll rather just lie there for the appropriate twelve minutes and let him get it over with. Much easier in the long run. I mean he can whine for _hours_ when the whim hits him."

Spencer had to agree with this, Aiden was the biggest loser...uh...whiner she knew. It still baffled her that her best friend dated him for as long as she did. Fine, they'd practically been dating since Junior High, but that didn't mean it was written in stone that they should stay together. Nothing was written in stone in Spencer's eyes. Life had taught her that the hard way.

Parents didn't stay together, no matter how much you want them too. Adopted brothers don't stick around once they turned eighteen just because they'd been living with you, sharing a life, for the last ten years. People, family, hell even love was replaceable.

Still, leaning back on the bleachers with her best friend next to her and pretty, stretchy girls in front of her, Spencer wasn't complaining really. She was cool like that.

"Fine, don't tell him. Keep doing what you're doing, it's obviously making you ecstatically happy."

Carmen simply dropped her head into her hands and groaned, life and her rather screwed up relationship with Aiden weighing heavily on her shoulders.

Spencer sighed herself and placed a quietly supporting hand on her friend's shoulder, instantly sorry that she made the rather sarcastic comment to begin with. She wasn't the sarcastic type and Carmen didn't deserve to be on the receiving end of her few and far between flirtations with it. After all, Carmen had enough to worry about without Spencer adding to the load.

Besides that, Spencer owed Carmen. Owed her for being there for Spencer when most all her other friends basically told her to go to hell. When she turned into the school freak because of a little thing like sexual preference, Carmen told people to go fuck themselves in no uncertain terms and stuck by her. In turn, Carmen became a social outcast by association.

Not that it bothered Carmen really. The reason she and Spencer had bonded so instantly was their mutual disregard for sticking to the norm. They didn't so much purposely try to go against 'the establishment', but they didn't blindly follow just because it was easier. Carmen had too much spunk for that and Spencer was too principled.

"Sorry, I think I'm pms-ing or something. Just ignore the crazy, hormonal bitching."

Carmen raised her head and managed to crack a smile, Spencer's apology of sorts enough to lift her mood the teeniest bit.

"Don't worry, I should have known better than bothering you with this while you're busy...appreciating the cheerleader's school spirit anyway."

Spencer cracked a smile of her own, one rather predatory in nature as she let her eyes drift back to the view in front of her. _Appreciating_ the cheerleaders while they waited for Aiden to finish basketball practice was her one and only less than savory characteristic. She saw it as the universe rewarding her for staying off pot. Or speed. Or smack or whatever else it was the rest of kids her age were doing. Like her reward for not doing all the things other people were convinced she was doing.

After Spencer came out, the rumor mill jumped into action rather quickly. Last time she bothered to listen to the crap people were spewing about her she was apparently running drugs for her older, ex-con girlfriend. That was between her bouts of heavy drinking of course.

You get wasted at _one_ party...

Spencer shook her head and returned her focus on the girls in front of her. Or if she was honest, one girl in particular.

Ashley Davies.

Head cheerleader. Homecoming Queen. Class president. Perfection in a green skirt and white shirt.

Also probably the _biggest_ bitch on the American continent.

Still once upon a time she was Ashley Davies, best friend extraordinary, but that was years ago now. Well two years, but for a teenager that could seem like forever. It was forever ago that Ashley Davies smiled at Spencer when they practiced together on that very same court, when they did kicks and lifts and pyramids together. When they made gag noises when Aiden and Carmen made out during their weekly movie night, when Ashley used Spencer as her human pillow and referred to her as 'Snuggles'.

It was funny what a single phrase, two simple words like 'I'm gay', could do to a friendship.

Not that their friendship crashed to a standstill the moment those words slipped passed Spencer's lips or anything. It was a slow, almost natural progression. First the daily calls became weekly ones, the movie nights were stretched to once a month instead of once a week and Junior came around Spencer wasn't all that surprised to find out that after cheer tryouts she was suddenly not deemed good enough.

Ashley had quietly and steadily phased Spencer out of her life and Spencer let her, because she was just a little afraid of what would happen if she actually fought for their friendship. After all, quiet indifference was better than open hostility. Now she couldn't remember the last time Ashley acknowledged her existence in any way, shape or form.

"Her ass looks bigger every time I see her, but then so do her boobs. Do you think she's pregnant or something?"

Carmen's gravelly voice once again pulled Spencer from her intent staring at Ashley's...uh...very athletic form.

"Who? Madison?"

Carmen nodded her head and then cocked it to the side to get a better view of the daily expanding form of Madison's ass.

"Yeah, I mean God forbid she actually breeds, but it sure as shit looks like it, you know? Last year when my cousin Lucy got pregnant the first thing that happened was her boobs got_ huge_."

Spencer looked, though it burned her eyes a little on principle, at the girl that was fixed to Ashley's side. She let her eyes take in the expertly styled hair, the fashionably plucked eye brows and the general aura of 'sex-kitten' that Madison exuded and shuddered to think that _that_ was the kind of person Ashley replaced her with.

And yes, her ass and breasts _were_ getting bigger.

"Who do you think would be stupid enough to get her pregnant?"

Spencer wasn't much for gossip, seeing as she knew how it felt to have people talk a bunch of crap behind her back, but she was also a girl. An _eighteen_ year old girl.

Hell, girl or woman, we all love a little gossip on the side no matter how old we are!

Carmen let her gaze drift over towards the far end of the court where the basketball team was practicing. Aiden currently had Glen in a head lock while one of the other guys gave him a wedgie. The rest of the team was laughing their asses off.

"The options are endless really..."

Spencer murmured her agreement and gave a start when the coach blew his whistle, signaling the end of practice for both the basketball team and the cheerleaders.

Ah well, all good things come to an end.

Even back flips and high kicks and Ashley Davies on top of a pyramid.

A few minutes later a sweaty, smiling Aiden plopped down next to them. Carmen received a quick kiss, all the while trying to keep her body as far away from the sweating mass that was Aiden Dennison. Love might be blind after all, but it still had a rather refined sense of smell.

"So are you two ready for the game tomorrow? Coach says we looked good today and if we keep it together, Kelly High will be a breeze."

He didn't bother to wait for an actual reply, instead launched into a speech about his average points scored during a game and jock straps. Spencer zoned out, much like she did when it was her weekend to stay over at her Mom's and she was subjected to basketball talk by Glen.

She knew it was wrong of her to say, but a pretty big part of her was happy that Glen chose to stay with her mom and not with her and her dad after the divorce. Did she miss him when he wasn't around?

Sometimes, but mostly she was glad for the lack of fights and teasing and the fact that no more porn was 'accidentally' downloaded onto her computer. It was after all a bitch to explain why she had 'Girls Gone Wild: The Wet and Slippery Edition' stored on her hard drive when her dad borrowed her laptop that one time.

So all in all, living with her dad with no Glen around was okay. It made the little time they actually spend\t together in either of their parents respective homes somewhat more bearable. Once they actually bonded for most of the weekend, watching movies and playing Guitar Hero. It was nice.

By the time they wandered out of the gym, Aiden smelling infinitely better after having a shower, Glen caught up with them.

"Hey, Spence? Dad phoned to say he wants us both home, so I said I'd give you a ride there. You didn't tell him about the bong, did you? 'Cos he was saying something about wanting to have an important talk with us and he was using that funny, nervous voice he did when Mom found the condoms in my room and made him give me 'the talk'."

Spencer frowned, having no idea what Glen was on about, because she had definitely not mentioned anything about finding Glen's bong in his room. She might be a lot of things, but she wasn't a rat.

"No, Glen. I didn't say anything to dad, so I'm as much in the dark here as you." She turned away from Glen, not really worried about the talk her dad wanted to have with them. Her dad wanted to have a talk with them about something at least once a month. It was the only drawback of having a councilor for a father.

She turned to Carmen and Aiden, giving Carmen a sympathetic smile. Now Aiden would probably end up wanting sex right away, what with Carmen not having the excuse of hanging with Spencer.

"I guess I'll see you guys tomorrow then. Call me later?"

Carmen simply gave a morose nod at that and walked away with Aiden, his arm already snaking around her waist as he leaned in to whisper something in her ear. Spencer didn't need to have super sonic hearing to know what he was saying, or rather asking.

"Come on, Spence. Ashley's already waiting at the car for me."

Spencer just rolled her eyes at that. She'd had more than enough time to get use to the fact that Ashley ignored her very existence, but that she then proceeded to date her brother was a different story.

Ashley and Glen together was just somehow...wrong. Spencer wasn't sure why, but the sight of them together was spectacularly revolting in her opinion. So it was with a somewhat heavy heart that she followed him to his Camry where Ashley was indeed waiting.

Ashley still clad in her cheerleading outfit.

All things considered, it wasn't the worst sight to ever greet her. Five seconds later she amended that statement when Glen leaned in and pressed his mouth firmly against Ashley's, lingering for a few seconds longer than Spencer thought was appropriate in public.

"You ready to go, Babe?"

Ashley gave a half smile and nod, then stopped midway through when her eyes landed on Spencer. For a second or two it looked like she was going to give Spencer a smile as well, but then her lips pressed firmly shut.

"Yeah, let's go."

Spencer got into the backseat without a word, her forehead resting against the cool glass as she waited for Glen to start the car. She stayed like that all the way to Ashley's house, quite oblivious to the dark brown eyes that watched her intently in the rear view mirror.

Eyes that had never really stopped looking at Spencer Carlin at all.

**So should I go on? Have I lost the little bit of sanity I posses by posting this? Let me know what you thought, because I always like to hear what you guys think. **

**And sorry about the title. I suck at titles, so I just picked my current favorite song and used it's title. So thank you Panic At The Disco for borrowing it to me:)**


	2. Hero's fall

**So thanks to all of you that reviewed and encouraged me to continue this, I always appreciate it when you guys leave feedback!**

**So in this one I made Spence and Glen twins again, simply 'cos it's easier to explain why they're in the same grade then! I'm lazy like that.**

**Okay, I don't own SoN so don't sue. (I'm too poor to sue anyway!)**

Do you know what I'm seeing?

Chapter 2: Hero's fall

Spencer watched as her father paced in front of the couch, his long legs taking two strides left and then two strides right. It was honestly making her a little dizzy, but she kept watching. Maybe it was the shock, who knows?

Point was her father had just dropped a bomb on her and her moron twin and they both might be...broken. After another few seconds of just watching her dad wear out the carpet, Spencer turned and looked at Glen beside her, the shock on her face pretty much mirrored by his.

"Well..."

Arthur's voice was soft, almost pleading in quality and forced Spencer to break her stare of mutual shock she was sharing with Glen.

"Wow."

It was about all that Spencer could manage at this point, what with her brain still trying to catch up with what her ears had heard.

"Yeah. Wow."

Apparently the moron, otherwise known as Glen, was in the same position. Spencer felt a measure of shame that he was actually capable of a whole entire word more than she was.

"So you're getting married. Well...that was quick."

Spencer thought that was _really_ quick, like are-you-completely-insane quick, but she had a bit more tact than to say that. Still, her parents had only split up four months ago and now her dad was informing them of his impending wedding? Spencer felt the urge to check for hidden cameras, but the anxious look on her father's face told her this was really happening.

"I...but...I...you were dating someone?"

Glen's incredulous voice broke Spencer out of her stupor and she stood up, her legs a little shaky as reality finally crashed onto her.

Her parents were never getting back together.

It was a fact now, the wedding announcement stamping out whatever small, childish hope Spencer had been holding onto. Disappointment settled onto her features and her eyebrows drew down into a frown with its weight.

"You're really getting married? You're getting married when we didn't even know you had a girlfriend to begin with? You really thought it wouldn't have been just a _little_ easier to take this all in if you maybe prepared us first for this? I mean..."

Words left her as she threw her hands up in helpless frustration. Parents weren't supposed to do stuff like this to their kids. That's what screws them up after all and Spencer always thought her dad, the quiet hero that worked with troubled kids, would know that.

So much for the whole practicing what you preach thing!

"Honey, I know. I know, okay? It's just...it's not as fast as you all think. You see..." Here his voice faltered off and Spencer felt her stomach clench. Her dad had a look, a look that very much resembled extreme guilt and maybe a little shame. "Ellie and I...we met...we met when your mother and I were still married."

There was silence in the room as Spencer sat back down and Glen shook his head in bewilderment. Arthur finally stopped his pacing and found a seat of his own before continuing.

"We were just friends at first, but later...After I found out about your Mom and Ben, we just grew closer. She was someone I could talk to, someone that listened and made it all a little better. Then a little while before your Mom moved out we realized that what we felt was more than mere friendship for each other. We fell in love and there wasn't much we could do about it. It was over between your Mom and me a long time before I met Ellie, but I still regret that our relationship started when I was still tied to Paula. I can only ask you two to understand that sometimes things happen that you don't plan for, that you aren't prepared for, but that if you give it a chance it could turn out to be one of the best things in your life."

Spencer heard every word he said, saw the genuine regret in his eyes at having started a relationship with this woman while he was still married to her mom, but it was just...it was hard to understand.

Arthur had always been the good guy in her eyes. He was funny and sweet and kissed all her boo-boo's away when she was small. He built her a swing and read her fairy tales and taught her right from wrong.

All of those things, all of these memories seemed tainted now. It all seemed like a lie, because he was no better than her mother in the end. He cheated on his wife. He lied to his family. Hell, he even hid the relationship after the marriage was over. How was she ever supposed to look at him in the same way again?

Was this growing up? Was seeing all your childhood dreams and idols and even ideals being ripped apart the step that took you from child to grown up?

Spencer wasn't sure, but she did know that this step hurt.

Then another thought hit her and she wondered if her chest would explode.

"So you love her and you're getting married...but what about me? Are you going to make me stay with Mom? Am I going to...going to be in the way now?"

If Spencer wasn't so distraught she might have noticed the almost tender way Glen put his arm around her shoulders, how for once he was living up to the ideal of how a big brother should be. For every door that closes, a window opens after all.

"No honey, God no! Of course I still want you to live with me! That was never even an option in my book. We both knew going into this that our children came first."

Spencer's eyebrows shot up as she looked at Arthur, clearly conveying her question without words.

"Ellie has a daughter too. You guys go to the same school actually. That's how we met really, at one of the parent/teacher meetings. Anyway, her daughter is Kyla Woods, you might know her."

Both Spencer and Glen's faces were blank. Spencer couldn't for the sake of her own life recall a Kyla Woods, but then she wasn't really high on the social ladder and didn't know half the kids in her class even.

Then Glen turned to her and frowned questioningly.

"Kyla Woods? Like, 'I-skipped-a-grade-cos-I'm-so-smart-and-geeky' Kyla Woods?"

Finally the light bulb went off in Spencer's head. She had seen the chick around, but had never really spoken to her before. Kyla was a bit of a nerd and stuck to herself most of the time. The fact that she skipped eleventh meant that most of the other Seniors didn't know her and didn't bother to get to know her.

"This is great. Just really,_ really_ great. A step-mom and a step-sister out of the blue and with no warning and it's just all..._great_. Does she know about the two of you, or are you dropping this little bomb on her too?"

Arthur dropped his head down onto his chest and gave a big, tired sigh.

He had screwed up, he knew that, but deep down he had really believed that Spencer of all people would be the most accepting of this. Now it was Glen that sat quietly and Spencer that seemed ready to kick a hole in the wall. Life still occasionally managed to surprise him in the end.

"She knew from relatively early on."

Once again Spencer threw her hands up into the air, completely overcome with disbelief and disappointment. A completely unfamiliar girl knew more about her own father's life than she did. It made her both sad and angry at the same time, because she wouldn't really admit it out loud, but her father was her best friend.

He had been the first person she had talked to when she realized she was gay, the first person she came to with anything and everything that mattered in her life and she had thought he trusted her enough to be honest with her too.

"You know what, Dad? I think I need a minute here. Maybe a few hours actually, so Glen and me are gonna go for a drive. We can talk all you want, but not today. Today I just need to...I don't know, but I'll have it figured out by tomorrow."

Spencer barely waited for her Dad's slow, sad head nod before she pulled Glen up by his arm. There was a time for talking and there was a time for Double Chocolate Chip ice cream and maybe some Vodka. She could manage the ice cream on her own, but Glen would need to help with the Vodka.

So Glen trudged obediently out the door behind her, prepared for once to just follow his sister without much argument. His own head was still a little jumbled at the fact that his dad was probably _doing_ _it_ with some woman. It kinda freaked him out, but then who isn't freaked out about the fact that parents actually had sex lives?

It was just gross really. Old people and sex...Glen just shook his head and unlocked the car door for Spencer.

"You're buying me ice cream and I want something to drink. No beer and nothing too gross, but something with a kick."

Glen barely batted an eyelash at this. By no means did that mean he was used to Spencer demanding booze and ice cream from him, but he figured she was taking it hard and was entitled to do whatever it took to make it better. It wasn't like he didn't understand the urge to numb his mind on occasion to just block everything out, so he just nodded his head and drove to the one store he knew his fake I.D would be accepted.

So it was that an hour later the twins sat in Glen's old Camry, an empty bottle of Vodka and Sprite joined by an empty tub of ice cream carelessly thrown on the back seat. They were on the hood of the car, both leaned back against the windshield just staring at the fading sun.

"Parents suck, man."

Glen nodded his head in agreement, his hazy eyes lazily turning towards Spencer as he smiled.

"They so do. It's a miracle we turned out so well adjusted."

Spencer snorted and sat up, Glen having to quickly shoot a hand out to stop her from tumbling off the hood. Once steadied they both broke into drunken giggles, the fact that Glen sounded like an excited twelve year old girl making Spencer actually snort out loud.

They were broken out of their giggles when a familiar black SUV pulled up next to them. Spencer found herself watching the driver closely, watching as she pulled the parking brake up and pushed her sunglasses up onto her head, temporarily restraining her tousled brown curls. Spencer remembered once falling asleep with her face pressed against those very same curls, inhaling the soft watermelon scent of her shampoo.

In her drunken state, Spencer imagined that scent enveloping her whole body. She smiled faintly at the imagined sensation and the girl that hesitantly stood at the hood of the car.

"We're drunk. And apparently very well adjusted."

Spencer smiled wider, her mouth sloppily giving away her inebriated state. It didn't even occur to her to ask how Ashley had ended up in that particular parking lot, standing in front of two seriously smashed Carlin's.

"Yup, we are. Despite the fact that we have whores for parents."

Spencer solemnly nodded her head, agreeing wholeheartedly with Glen.

"Or the fact that you're, you know, a pot head."

Spencer giggled a little at that, finding the words pot head inexplicable funny.

"Says the resident teenage lesbian."

If Glen had expected Spencer to be offended by his tone, he was sorely disappointed when she simply gave a murmur of agreement. It was blatantly obvious that none of the Carlin's were perfect.

Ashley shifted uncomfortably as she watched her one time best friend and her current boyfriend. When Glen had called to say he needed a lift home from the beach, he had failed to mention the fact that Spencer was with him. To most people this wouldn't have been a problem, but Ashley had steadily been avoiding Spencer for a good two years now and for a very good reason.

"Um...you guys ready to go or what?"

Her tone came out harsher than she meant, but it seemed to go right over Glen's head. It was Spencer that tilted her head and narrowed her eyes as speculatively as a drunk could.

"The girlfriend's pissed, O brother of mine."

Glen barely raised an eyebrow, not sure how he could have pissed his girlfriend off by having a couple of drinks with his sister. It wasn't like he was drinking and whoring it up at some party or anything! It was just him and Spencer and she was pretty much harmless, despite what the school grape vine might tell you.

"Yeah, okay, whatever."

Spencer giggled at this, rolling her eyes as she shifted to her left and abruptly fell on her ass. Apparently she ran out of hood to sit on.

She could hear Glen laughing deep from his belly, probably amused to no end at the sight of her falling off the car. She sniffed once as tears threateningly pooled in her eyes. When she looked up from the gash in the palm of her hand Ashley was kneeling in front of her, soft hands placed tentatively on Spencer's own knees.

"You okay?"

Despite the fact that she had half a bottle of Vodka in her system, Spencer clearly stored the fact that that was the first words Ashley Davies had spoken to her in more than sixteen months. Her chest ached just a little at the thought.

She took a shaky breath as she glanced at the red liquid slowly beading on her hand, the sliver of old remembered warmth in Ashley's deep, dark eyes momentarily increasing the aching sensation in her chest.

"My Dad's getting married and I didn't even know he was dating. I...it's...No, I'm not all that okay right now." She was quiet for a moment, the little bit of rational thought she had left kicking her ass mentally for blurting that out to someone that for all intent and purpose didn't give a damn anymore. "And my hand is stinging like a bitch."

Ashley took the wounded hand in her own, soft fingertips tracing the area where the skin was scraped off by the bumpy road. A soft sigh escaped her well formed lips, the movement capturing Spencer's attention and momentarily distracting her from the burning in her hand, in her heart.

Without consciously planning to do it, she raised her good hand and traced the full bottom lip with a thumb. For a second, no more and no less, brown eyes virtually melt into the blue of Spencer's own, but then Ashley pulls away.

She's up and walking around the car and Spencer simply watches the blue of her jean clad legs disappear behind the car. For a second she closes her eyes tightly, breathes in sea air and heartache.

"I'll be okay though, so don't worry..."

She tells it to the air, or maybe to herself or the seagull watching her from it's perch on the rubbish bin a few yards away, she's not sure really. Then with a soft sigh and a sobering mind she gets up, turns to watch Glen clumsily run a hand through watermelon scented hair. To see him give a goofy smile and kiss the lips that a mere minute ago her own thumb had brushed against.

Then she startles the poor seagull as she heaves ice cream and alcohol into the rubbish bin, her open palm making painful contact with it's grimy rim.

As she slumped down to rest on her knees, she told herself that it was the sting in her hand that was making her eyes burn with tears for the second time in so many minutes, not the image of her brother kissing the girl she...

She shook her head, an old resolve to never give a name to what she felt for Ashley returning before she could think what she knew she wasn't allowed to think. Some things _were_ better left unsaid in the end.

* * *

**Hmm...hope you liked it, despite the fact that it wasn't exactly all happy go lucky this chapter round. As always I would love it if you left some feedback as it usually helps me see where to go with the fic. Also if you're nauseas after reading the little bit of Glen/Ashley stuff, welcome to the club. Imagine how _I_ feel, I have to actually write it! **


	3. Ignore the feeling and it might go away

**All I can say to those of you that have been so kind as to comment and encourage me is thank you. It means a lot to me and I wish I could say it more eloquently, but I suck and that's the best I can do.**

**That said I don't know if you're going to like this chapter, but it is what it is. I got stuck halfway through and finishing it was like banging my head against a brick wall repeatedly, which means it was pretty painful. I can only hope it doesn't show.**

**I don't own so don't sue. **

Do You Know What I'm Seeing?

Chapter 3

The seagull was giving Spencer a look she didn't quite like, all beady eyed and judgy. Like he was sitting there on the rim of the rubbish bin and measuring her, weighing her worth in this world and ,by the way he was tilting his head, Spencer reckoned she was coming up short. Or too light. Whatever, you get the idea.

So there she sat, staring back at the seagull as menacingly as she could and trying to block out the conversation going on a few feet away from her. She was succeeding at blocking out the conversation, but failing at the menacing stare part. Spencer had always been afraid of crows growing up, but she decided that seagulls could be way more intimidating. Those black, beady birdie eyes where just to much for her. So sighing dejectedly she opted to turn and watch the ocean.

"Spence, come on, this is stupid! We can just take you home, you know?"

Spencer sighed, Glen's voice grating her more than usual. She shuffled her feet and fingered her burning palm. She would rather be locked in a car with a bunch of rattlesnakes than drive home with _them_. She'd had her share of watching them make out and she was pretty much done with that.

A girl could only handle so much stress in one day.

"Hey, I told you you could leave. Carmen and Aiden will be here in a few minutes, so I don't know why you're baby sitting me."

She flicked some dirt off the knees of her jeans, tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and finally looked up. She wasn't sure if she expected to find Ashley's eyes on her again, but a part of her was disappointed when she found that wasn't the case. It was only Glen's blue eyes, so similar to her own, that was looking at her with a softness Spencer vaguely recalled from when they were little.

"I'm supposed to leave my half drunk, vomiting sister in a deserted parking lot? I'm an asshole Spencer, not a moron."

Well, Spencer felt that point could be argued, but she honestly wasn't up to it. Truthfully she was still seconds away from maybe puking her guts out again and there was only so much public humiliation she could take, so she shut up and went back to staring at the ocean. A girl had her dignity after all.

No more than five minutes later she heard the beat of Aiden's truck, the familiar blue Ford pulling up next to the black SUV. Immediately she could feel Carmen's blue eyes burn into her from the passenger seat, her best friend radar probably already beeping in alarm. It was uncanny really, how your best friend could give you one look, hear you speak one word and simply _know _something was wrong. Spencer wasn't sure if that was a blessing or a curse in this situation, because she wasn't sure she was ready to talk about all the things that went wrong today.

So with a sigh she heaved herself up, taking a second or two to just breathe deeply when the world spun a little around her. It wouldn't do to throw up all over her favorite Chucks, after all. So it was with slow, measured, _careful_ steps that she walked over towards the three parked cars, pretty proud when her stomach and her balance both held out.

"Hey, thanks for picking me up."

Aiden waved a hand in the air, smiling in his stupid, but completely harmless, way.

"Pfft, no problem, Spence, but if you _do_ feel like repaying me, you can totally write my English essay for me!"

It wouldn't be the first time she did it, so Spencer just nodded her head. Aiden really was a loser in her eyes, but he was Carmen's loser, so she helped him out when she could with school work to keep Carmen happy.

"Yeah, no problem, but you might want to remind me again on Sunday, okay?"

Aiden nodded and then greeted Glen and Ashley, Carmen simply giving them a short head nod before throwing an arm around Spencer's shoulders.

"So what's all this about then?"

She angled her head towards Glen and Ashley and then frowned when she turned back to Spencer.

"And why the hell do you smell like vomit?"

Spencer shook her head when Carmen took a step back to avoid the smell, her cheeks a little flushed with embarrassment when she finally spoke.

"Uhm...'cos I got smashed with Glen, fell off the car and then puked my guts out? Oh and if you where wondering why we got smashed, my Dad's getting married."

Carmen's eyebrows shot up, her eyes shooting over to Glen who was still sporting that silly, drunk smile and then back to Spencer.

"Right, okay. Well, that was..._sudden_."

Spencer almost snorted out loud at that, because saying it was sudden was an understatement.

"Sudden, yeah..."

Then everyone just kinda stood there staring at each other, no one really knowing what to say to either Spencer or Glen. It was awkward to say the least.

"So, uhm...guess we can get out of here then."

Spencer put action to her words and stepped towards Aiden's truck, only stopping when she felt a warm hand wrap around her arm. When she turned back around she was engulfed in a hug, her brothers long arms holding her tight for a few seconds.

For a second or two she froze, completely surprised to receive a genuine hug from Glen. She couldn't remember the last time he had bothered to do something like that and in public no less.

"It's gonna be okay, Spence, I promise."

Spencer quickly swallowed down a sob as she put her own arms around Glen, her face pressed tight against his heart for a second or two. It was somehow reassuring, his words and his heart that beat against her ear. She wondered if it had something to do with the fact that they had shared a womb, that for nine months of her life she had been surrounded by nothing but the sound of her twin brothers heartbeat. It was a weird thought, but in that moment with her brothers arms around her and her head still a little cloudy with alcohol, it made perfect sense.

"Yeah, I guess it will. We've still got each other in the end, right?"

Later she'd blame it on the alcohol, on the fact that her hormones were all out of whack, but in that moment she knew it was the truth and that she whole heartedly meant it. He was her brother and despite the fact that for the last few years they hadn't gotten along all that well, they were family. They would stick together in the end, because they always had.

After a few more seconds they both pulled back, Spencer giving an embarrassed smile at the obvious tears pooling in her eyes. She hated crying in front of people, but it was somehow worse to cry in front of Ashley, because she still remembered a night when Ashley told her it broke her heart a little when Spencer cried. She doubted that statement still applied, but a part of her hated to think there was even a remote chance she could be making Ashley sad in anyway.

See, Spencer simply wasn't built to hurt Ashley, even if all Ashley had done in the last two years was hurt Spencer.

Life was a bitch to Spencer like that.

"Okay, before I start blubbering like an idiot and this turns into an episode of Oprah, I vote you guys get me home."

Carmen stepped up and tangled her fingers with Spencer's, squeezing gently to let her know it was okay. She was protective of those she loved and Spencer was one of those select few. They were sisters as far as she was concerned and she acted accordingly most of the time, Spencer herself viewing her in exactly the same way.

"You know what, Aiden? You can take the truck and go, I think I'll take Glen's car and take Spencer home. That's cool, right Glen? I mean Ashley can just drop you off and this way you don't have to come back for your car tomorrow."

Aiden immediately looked like a puppy locked outside in the rain. He knew that was code for 'beat it' and that he wouldn't be seeing Carmen for the rest of the night. That meant no sex and he was at an age where that was pretty much the most important thing for a teenage boy. Basically his world had just come to an end.

"But Carmen, we had that _thing_..."

Carmen rolled her eyes, the whining sound of Aiden's voice pissing her off to no end. She wished some days that he could think with another part of his anatomy other than his dick. It was getting old, his one track mind. Maybe if he'd actually managed to hit the spot for her once or twice she'd be a little more inclined to give in to his eager libido, but as yet she was still waiting for those promised starts to explode behind her eyes.

"Ugh, God, look. We can have sex tomorrow night, okay? I think we can all agree Spencer needs me a little more than you do right now."

Aiden had obviously not expected her to be so blunt about it, seeing as a blush clearly crept onto his cheeks. Spencer bit her lip in an attempt not to laugh while Glen gave in to the impulse. Aiden was his friend, but he had to admit it was funny when Carmen managed to put the usually cocky guy in his place.

"Take my car, it's fine. I think I might stay at Ashley's place for a little anyway. Maybe a little TLC would do me good, right babe?"

It was plain as day what he meant, the way he looked at Ashley telling everyone that even though Aiden was clearly not scoring tonight, the other basketball star was certainly planning on it.

Spencer watched as the golden couple, the head cheerleader and the captain of the basketball team, pulled each other closer. The thought of what they were going to do, what they've so obviously done before, was bringing that nauseous feeling back again. So without waiting anymore she stepped over to the Camry and got in, waiting for Carmen to get the keys off Glen.

Wordlessly Carmen started the engine, putting the music up so they wouldn't feel the need to talk just to fill up the silence. When they pulled off she could have sworn she saw Spencer give a seagull the finger, but when she looked over again Spencer was merely sitting with her chin on her balled fist. She just shook her head and decided she needed to lay off the caffeine a bit.

Ashley for her part stood watching the car pull off, her heart still hammering from that moment, that short, exquisite moment, when Spencer touched her. When Spencer looked at her like only Spencer ever could and made her feel all those things she fought so hard not to ever feel for her again.

She hated that Spencer was still the cause for that slow burn in her chest. For that unnamed, unwanted feeling that was a little like falling and a little like being anchored down at the same time. It was a feeling of both freedom and safety and she'd never came across another person that could make her feel anything like it.

Glen never came close, but he did make her feel safe. Glen was simple and sweet, uncomplicated and not half as much of an asshole as he pretended to be. He was also a boy and popular and fit perfectly into the picture Ashley had of her life, the picture her mother and father and everyone else had for her life. Spencer had been the only one that had never expected anything of her, that let her do and say what she wanted as long as it made her happy. She missed that, more than she'd ever even admit to herself.

"So, we out of here or what?"

Ashley mentally shook herself, trying to clear any and all thoughts of Spencer from her mind. She failed rather miserably a second later.

"Is she really going to be okay?"

Glen had gotten used to Ashley asking about Spencer randomly over the last two years or so. He never got the whole story behind them not being friends anymore, but it had honestly happened so gradually that he generally assumed it was just them naturally drifting apart. Yet every now and then Ashley would ask him how Spencer was doing, if she was dating anyone or how things were going at home and he'd be reminded that for a long time they were inseparable. He'd tell her as much as he knew and that would be it, she wouldn't ask more than those few simple questions and he'd never really been able to figure out how she felt about the answers.

"Spencer's always okay in the end, she's just that kind of girl, you know? I mean she'll probably forgive dad before the day is over and that'll be the end of that. She was just a little surprised, a little thrown by the whole thing. I mean, damn, my dad's getting married. Out of the blue and to some woman we don't know and she'll deal with that, but I can't really blame her for just taking a few hours and letting herself be pissed off about it."

Glen himself had hardly even begun to process it all, he was really just waiting until he was alone in his room so he could bawl his eyes out without someone seeing him. His whole life he had competed with other kids and people for his dad's attention, for that moment when his dad would look at_ him_ with nothing but pride and love, but now he would have even more people to contend with. Life was kicking him in the metaphorical balls as far as he was concerned.

At least he had Ashley and for Glen that was more than enough.

"So she'll be okay, that's good. I want her to be okay."

Ashley seemed to be saying it more to herself than to anyone else, but Glen found himself answering anyway, almost in that same absentminded tone as she had used.

"So do I. It's funny, I think I forgot there for a while how much I love her."

Ashley just squeezed her eyes shut, wishing with everything in her that she could forget the things Spencer made her feel as easily as Glen seemed to have forgotten. Her moment of weakness passed and with a slow, fortifying breath she turned back to Glen, prepared to go on playing the role she cast for herself.

"So let's go, I remember you mentioning something about a little TLC..."

On the way to her house, to her bedroom and to the bed they would eventually end up in, Ashley sat staring out of the window, her tongue idly brushing once over her bottom lip trying to rid it of Spencer's touch that still ghostly lingered there.

--

**Okay, I'm pretty much beat and unlike most of you, I don't get to sleep in late on a Saturday morning, so I'm off to bed. Ah, the joys of working seven days a week!**

**So I hope that wasn't too painful to read and that the impending drama doesn't give you a headache. (If the drama doesn't do it, the image of Ashley and Glen actually..._doing it, _sure will_._) So as always comments are encouraged and much appreciated. I'll probably introduce Kyla into the story next and I figured I'd ask right from the start: Do you want Kyla and Carmen again? Or is that overplayed now? Someone mentioned it and I've already started toying with a scenario or two that could work if you want it that way.**

**Also I'm pretty sure I'm updating 'Senior Year' in a day or so for those of you that were wondering and still interested. **


	4. Friends and Enemies

**Okay, so this chapter starts out kinda silly and then just goes downhill from there, but...**

**Well, I don't exactly have anything else to post yet, so this will have to do.**

**To those that reviewed and showed this some support, thank you very much. As always I very much appreciate the feedback and know that it helps me a lot in the end. **

**I don't own SoN, so don't sue.**

Do You Know What I'm Seeing?

Chapter 4: Friends and Enemies.

Monday mornings were no ones favorites, but Kyla had always rather liked them, because Monday's meant school.

Yes, she was very much aware of how much of a loser that made her, but she still liked them. School was a challenge and the usually quiet, mousy girl liked challenges. She liked knowing she was better than everyone else at something and though that sounded pretty pretentious and mean to say, it wasn't intended that way. There was just something really great about knowing you gave it your all, put in everything you had to give and came out on top of all the rest, that it actually all paid off. That you got what you deserved, because you worked hard to get it.

School was one of the few things in life where that principle applied to Kyla.

So like I said, Kyla liked Mondays, but this Monday in particular? Not so much so, no.

This particular Monday found her backed up into a corner by two other Senior girls with dark sunglasses on and arms crossed threateningly over their chests. It was all in all a little intimidating.

"So you're Kyla..."

Spencer's voice was low, almost just a whisper, but in a very menacing way. At least that was how Spencer _hoped_ it would sound.

"She doesn't look like much to me. She's all short and...well...short."

Carmen cocked her head as she said it, her eyes narrowing as they drifted down and then up Kyla's body. Taking in the loose jeans, the gray hoodie she wore and the flat shoes.

Kyla for her part shuffled her weight from one foot to the next, trying to work out how much of a head start she could get if she shoved the dark haired one and made a run for it.

Sadly, it wouldn't be the first time she'd have had to make a run for it or lose some teeth. Apparently she brought out the mean in people.

"Short? Well, I mean, it's not like you're tall yourself, Carmen. Fine, I wouldn't say you're the shortest person I've ever met, but you're not all that tall, you know?"

Carmen rolled her eyes, wondering where Spencer's sudden lack of attention span came from. It had been Spencer's idea to corner Kyla and interroga...uh...get to know her a little better after all. The least she could do was keep up.

"Uh, Spence, going off topic a little, aren't you? And I'm not short, I'm just not a..._behemoth_ like Madison."

Kyla watched as Spencer nodded, clearly not focusing on her anymore. If ever there was an opportunity to slip away, this was it.

She'd got all of two steps away before a hand firmly grasped her upper arm and Carmen leaned in close, her eyes narrowing to two, brilliant blue slits.

Kyla gulped a little.

"Where do you think you're going? We're not exactly done with our little chat yet, are we Spence? I mean we have some questions for her, right?"

Spencer gathered herself up and solemnly nodded her head, her expression serious and cold.

"Right, we need to have a chat and it isn't exactly polite for you to try and sneak away, not seeing as we're going to be _stepsisters_ and all. So maybe we should go somewhere a little more private, that'd be best, right Carmen?"

Carmen nodded her head, giving a soft 'Hmmm...' in answer. She was watching Kyla like a hawk, watching her twitch and nervously roll her shoulders like she was preparing for a fight. She almost laughed out loud then, imagining the short, small built girl taking on not one, but two other girls! It was in a way admirable that she was willing to chance those odds, but Carmen wouldn't let that impress her.

She had decided to hate the girl on principle, for Spencer's sake.

When she finally realized that nothing more was forthcoming from Spencer, she gave her a look, only to find Spencer patiently looking at her.

Obviously she was just made captain of the threat squad.

"Uh...right. We should head to the...uhm...actually...uh..."

She kept hold of Kyla's arm, but pushed her away a bit and leaned in towards Spencer, her voice low when she spoke into the girls ear.

"You never said we'd take her anywhere! I mean, where the hell are we supposed to go?"

Kyla stood patiently as she watched the two whispering girls, wondering who the supposed 'brain' of the operation was. At least when Madison or some of the other popular girls picked on her, they knew what they were doing. There was no standing around whispering into each other's ears, there was action. There were either taunts or actual bodily harm and at the moment the now bored girl actually thought she'd prefer that to 'Dumb and Dumber's' indecision.

The sooner they got it over with, the sooner she could get to the library. Or the school nurse...

After another minute or so, Carmen finally started walking, pulling her along with them.

"So, where are you taking me?"

Spencer turned back and gave her a look, all slitted eyes and frowning eyebrows.

"We're taking you to Starbucks."

Kyla stopped dead in her tracks, forcing Carmen to give her a hard yank to get her moving again.

"Starbucks? You're taking me to Starbucks? Well...that's rather nice of you."

Carmen snorted and increased the pressure on Kyla's arm.

"Nice? Ha, we're totally making you pay the bill, bitch!"

Compared to Madison trying to stuff her into a locker, despite her explaining that it _wasn't_ really possible to stuff a person into one, it was rather tame...and a very pleasant change.

She was in the mood for coffee anyway.

"Oh, right, well...that's so...uh...mean of you guys then."

Spencer nodded her head in agreement and looked pretty pleased with herself. Carmen just rolled her eyes and kept walking.

By the time they got to the nearest Starbucks, Kyla was pretty sure she wasn't in any danger. Spencer and Carmen were about as malicious or scary as a floppy eared bunny in her opinion. Well, maybe in Carmen's case not a floppy eared bunny exactly, but she was pretty sure she wasn't going to get the snot slapped out of her.

A show was made of pulling her out the backseat of the car, a rather gentle shove speeding her entrance into the unusually quiet coffee shop. Once inside the two girls looked uncertain again and Kyla decided to help them out a little.

"So, I guess this is the part where I buy you coffee, right?"

Both girls nodded and they ended up sitting at one of the tables, all three looking at each other wearily.

"So..."

Spencer sucked in her bottom lip and all pretense fell away as she suddenly seemed to slump in her chair, her eyes getting a little misty as she blinked rapidly.

"So you knew about my Dad and your Mom, right from the beginning?"

It was still a sore point for Spencer and it was clear as day in her voice when she spoke, so Kyla ended up feeling bad for the girl.

"Yes, Mom tells me everything really, so..."

She just shrugged her shoulders a bit and Spencer gave a soft sigh.

"Yeah, I always thought my Dad told me everything too, but..."

Another sigh and then Spencer looked down into her dark coffee, watching the milk swirl around and feeling rather sorry for herself. She hadn't spoken much to her father after the talk they had on Friday, still understandably upset over everything, but she was already regretting that decision.

She'd never been in a situation where she couldn't speak to him, so it was weird not having him there to talk it through with, to help her make sense of everything. It wasn't like she could talk to her Mom about it, because she just bitched and moaned about it all when Glen talked to her, so Spencer didn't even bother.

She had really thought that irrationally taking it all out on the girl sitting so meekly in her chair before her would help, but it was essentially not in Spencer's nature to do it. Hurting someone else has never made Spencer feel anything but sad really, so it had been pretty stupid of her.

That and she finally caught on to the fact that she really sucked at the whole thing. In the end she really couldn't force herself to do any worse than making the girl buy them coffee. That was just...really, _really_ lame in the end.

Now she was embarrassed on top of being sad and depressed.

"So you guys are close?"

Kyla seemed genuinely interested and in reality she was, because she was a bit nervous herself about the prospect of moving into someone else's house and becoming a part of a family she didn't know anything about. She knew Arthur well enough, but Glen and Spencer were complete unknowns and she thought it was best if she learned as much as possible fast.

"We are, well, I thought we were...but I guess...maybe we're not. Not as close as I thought at least."

Kyla nodded her head and figured she was treading on dangerous ground, but she _did_ like a challenge in the end, so...

"But the him not telling you he was seeing someone and thinking about marrying her changed your mind? Yeah, I can see how that would make you doubt that."

Spencer nodded her head and threw her hands up.

"Exactly! I mean what is it with parents? They're forever telling you that you can talk to them, that we have to be honest and share and then they do crap like this?"

Kyla lay a comforting hand on Spencer's arm, her face soft as she nodded her head and squeezed.

"Hmm...it's a trust thing now, right? I mean how can he expect you to do all those things when he can't do the same? You've lost trust in his ability to be honest with you, to mean what he says. It's like a double standard in your eyes, right?"

Spencer nodded her emphatically, getting ready to head into another indignant rant, but Carmen snorting loudly interrupted her.

"Oh God, is this turning into a therapy session? I mean I thought this was payback or something, you making a statement and finding out more about all of this?"

Spencer ducked her head guiltily and took a sip of her coffee.

"Yeah, I'm kinda over that now. I mean...she's kinda nice, isn't she?"

Carmen was quiet for a moment as she looked from Spencer to Kyla.

"Okay, fine. I guess we can let the whole she-knew-your-parents-were-dating-and-never-bothered-to-tell-you thing go, because she's _nice_." It was quiet for a beat as both Kyla and Spencer just looked at her and Carmen rolled her eyes. "Fine, you're okay I guess, I mean you did buy us coffee...and you _are_ kinda cute. I mean tiny people are just cute, you know? Like you just want to reach over and pinch their cheeks or something."

Carmen had been burning to do just that ever since they cornered the quiet girl. She was actually pretty damn relieved that Spencer wasn't going to actively hate the girl, because even though she had been more than willing to join in on the hate, the girl was impressing her.

She was just so damn calm and collected. All cool under pressure and Carmen _liked_ that. It helped that the expression 'cute as a button' came to mind when she looked at her too. All in all she was sure the girl would never purposefully make trouble for Spencer and that was all she really cared about in the end.

So Carmen relaxed and gave a smile that she didn't realize was rather dazzling. One part of her particular charm was that she didn't realize half the time the effect she had on people. When someone bothered to notice, they always found there was something alluring about her kind of prickly, straightforward attitude and sharp eyes and smile.

It was why Aiden still dated her despite having the pick of the cheerleaders and why Spencer called her 'best friend'. Carmen was exciting and simple at the same time, she was sometimes brutally honest and didn't judge people on appearance or status or how rich they were. She was loyal and fierce and in her own way sweet and supportive.

Kyla, though she didn't know it yet, had already been judged by the other girl and passed with flying colors and Carmen, though she didn't know it yet either, had already pulled Kyla in with her smile and obvious loyalty towards Spencer.

So the three of them sat and drank coffee, Spencer deciding to ask her father the questions she had planned to ask Kyla instead. Glen had been very right in his assessment of Spencer. In the end she would get over it and forgive her Dad and be okay, because that _was_ just who she was. She'd still be pissed about it, but she'd at least try to understand.

By the time they got back to school, they'd missed first period and half of second, so they sat in the car waiting for the bell to go.

"I wanted to say we're sorry about the whole threatening and then kidnapping you thing. That was kinda lame of us."

Carmen flicked through channels and didn't even look up when she spoke.

"That was all Spencer's idea by the way. I said we should just egg your house or steal your homework, but she was pretty intent on serious bodily harm."

Spencer sucked in a breath and slapped Carmen in the arm, earning her a level look.

"What? It's true, you asked if I was up for extracting some information...in a _painful_ manner. I do believe you even asked if I was willing to bust a kneecap for you."

Spencer sighed guiltily and actually blushed, making Kyla smile and shake her head. It would figure that Spencer needed to ask someone else to inflict the violence. The girl looked like a real softy.

"Well, okay, I may have said that, but I was still half drunk at the time. You can't throw that in my face now, because you _knew_ I'd chicken out in the end!"

Spencer turned back to Kyla and gave another apologetic smile.

"So like I said, sorry about that. I hope you're not completely offended and ticked off at us, because we're actually pretty nice. Really, we are and we'd normally never abuse someone like that."

Kyla smiled again and waved a hand in the air.

"Don't worry about it. I mean this is literally a walk in the park compared to some of the stuff people's done to me. I wish everyone's idea of abuse was getting me to skip class and have coffee."

Carmen's eyes narrowed at that and Spencer herself made a mental note to ask Kyla later who had been bothering her. After all, they _were_ going to be stepsisters and she might still have her issues with that, but Kyla was going to be family and no one messed with her family.

Unless they messed with Glen and that was okay, because he asked for it half the time and he was big enough and ugly enough to look out for himself.

The bell ringing finally forced them out of the car and back into school, the three of them walking down the hall together towards Spencer's locker. It was there that Glen, Ashley and Aiden found them.

"So, you found the newest member of our little family. Did you guys have that little talk that you told me you were planning to have?"

Spencer, in her still semi drunken state, had told Glen about her idea of confronting Kyla. He of course had been all for it, already seeing her as a rival and more than happy to share his pain with her. Spencer only now realized that even though she was relatively sure she and Kyla would end up being friends, Kyla and Glen were going to be another story.

"Yeah, about that...Uhm...we had a pretty good talk. I mean she's nice, Glen, and I guess we're friends?"

She looked to Kyla to confirm this and she did, nodding her head with a small smile. Kyla was just glad this hadn't turned into an attempted locker stuffing and pleasantly surprised that she had walked out of this with two possible friends.

"Yeah, I'd like that. Being friends would be nice, especially under the circumstances."

Spencer smiled and slung an arm around Kyla's shoulders, trying anything to make Glen see that she meant what she said about Kyla and being friends. She didn't want Glen trying to screw the girl over out of spite or miss guided loyalty.

Of course, it was exactly at that moment that Madison and a few of the other cheerleaders walked past and Madison didn't miss the sight of them.

She took one look at Spencer with her arm around Kyla and her mouth immediately pulled into it's usual mean grin.

"Ooooh, look girls, Spencer Carlin's got herself a little _girlfriend_. What, did Kyla finally realize that none of the boys would look at her geeky ass and decide to give girls a try? It would figure that you two freaks would be attracted to each other I suppose, it's not like any normal person would want you anyway, right?"

The girls laughed and Spencer dropped her arm down, anger boiling low down in her stomach. She really, _really_ hated Madison. She hated her, because she was mean and small minded and mostly because Ashley still hung out with her, despite how mean she was to Spencer.

It was just a daily reminder of how little Ashley cared about her, because not once had she stood up for Spencer.

Spencer turned towards Kyla and ignored Madison, knowing that it drove the girl insane and was more affective than actually engaging in any sort of conversation.

"Sorry about that, some people just automatically assume because you hang out with me you're gay or something. I wouldn't really blame you if you decided to...not hang out with me. I mean, I'd understand, you know?"

Spencer fought the urge to look at Ashley, keeping her eyes on her feet. Of all the friends she'd lost for that very reason, she still felt the loss of Ashley acutely after all this time. A part of her was angry with the girl, but mostly she just missed her. She couldn't help feeling she'd always miss her, always wish things had turned out different between them.

Different how? Well, Spencer wasn't sure it would help her any if she tried to figure that out.

"Hey, no, I don't even care about that. I mean that's pretty dumb, not being friends with someone just because they're gay. And really I'm actually flattered that she thinks I could get someone like you to date me, because I mean, come on, you're beautiful! If I was into that kind of thing, I'd kill to date you!"

Spencer blushed and Carmen shook her head, watching as Ashley's face darkened and her eyes narrowed on the two girls still standing close together. She sometimes wondered about Ashley and the way things played out between her and Spencer...

The now rather speculating look Ashley was giving the oblivious Kyla made Carmen instinctively move in between the two girls.

"Hey now, don't be getting any ideas with my Spencey here, okay? If any one of her two friends get to date her, it's me, because I've had to put up with her for much longer and deserve to get some hot loving as reward, right Spence?"

Aiden smiled and nodded his head, giving Spencer a thumbs up in encouragement.

"You so should and then _I'd _get to watch as a reward for putting up with Carmen for all this time! It's a win win situation for all of us really."

Spencer just rolled her eyes and Glen slapped Aiden in the stomach.

"Dude, that's my sister, okay? So just shut up, because Spencer hasn't ever or ever will give anyone no loving!"

Glen really had a problem with imagining _anyone_ in his family having a sex life, it wasn't just the parents.

Aiden for his part just frowned in confusion and looked at Carmen. Carmen for her part was trying to actually will him not to say what she was sure the stupid bastard was about to say.

"But didn't you say Spencer got down and dirty with Kelly last year? I mean you said they were going at it like bunnies and you were all pissed because Spencer was spending all her time with..."

He didn't get any further as Carmen just buried her knee in his nuts.

She'd told him that if he ever,_ ever_ told anyone that, she'd cut his balls of. Seeing as she didn't have a knife handy, she'd settle for crushing them.

When she finally looked back at Spencer she knew she was in trouble, because Spencer had made her promise to never tell a soul. Obviously that hadn't been the case.

"Bunnies?! It was like twice and you promised...I...you...Oh God!"

Red faced and basically mortified beyond belief, Spencer made for class. For a second or two she met Ashley's eyes and her breath caught, because she'd never seen them that dark and anguished before. A jolt of sudden realization shot through her.

Ashley cared.

Ashley for some reason cared that she slept with Kelly and the mere thought made Spencer's heart beat a little faster and yet at the same time the thought hurt.

It hurt, because despite the depth of emotion she could finally see in Ashley's eyes, she was still just standing there. She didn't follow as Spencer walked down the hall, didn't give any further indication that she even knew Spencer was probably hurt and embarrassed.

She just stood there and held Glen's hand tighter.

* * *

**So this isn't my personal favorite chapter by far, but like I said, it's all that I have!**

**Hope you liked at least a little something about it and I would love some feedback on it as always. I'm off next week, so I'm toying with starting SY: The Reunion and another story as well. I know I can barely handle updating the two stories I've got running, but the plot bunnies won't leave me alone!**

**So I hope to hear from you guys, otherwise I'll just take it as you agreeing with me that this chapter was a little below average.**


	5. Everybody hurts, sometimes

**So I've been shamelessly neglecting this fic after promising I'd update a bit more regularly and I'm sorry about that. Hence an update. Once again thank you very much for the reviews and support. I do appreciate your feedback so much and like I've said before, it helps me know what you guys want for the next chapter.**

**Okay, I still don't own SoN, so don't sue!**

Do You Know What I'm Seeing?

Chapter 5: Everybody hurts, sometimes.

Carmen stood and watched her best friend walk down the hall, Spencer's shoulders slumped while her legs seemed to angrily thumb the floor. There was suddenly something both angry and sad about her and Carmen was left just a tad bit confused.

She got that Spencer was pissed off because she let the cat out the bag about Kelly, but why would she seem sad?

"Great, I'm _so_ fucked now."

She bit down on her lip and looked down at the doubled over Aiden. She kind of felt like kicking him in the ribs just for good measure, but she supposed that would be overkill. That and then he'd whine about it _forever_.

"She seemed mad."

Carmen turned towards Kyla, taking in the short girls frowning face and slightly accusing eyes. _Wonderful_, she'd already managed to make the new chick think she's some gossip whore that couldn't even keep her best friend's secret.

"Yeah, she's mad alright. And just so you know, it's not like that was supposed to be public knowledge or anything, I only told Aiden because...well, I didn't tell anyone else, you know? Just that moron."

She pointed to the white as death Aiden and gave in to her inner demon. She didn't kick him in the ribs, but she did 'accidentally' step on his fingers. The pain filled groan kinda made her feel better.

Kyla for her part just smiled faintly at Carmen's obvious abuse of Aiden and nodded her head.

"That's good, but I think you should be telling Spencer that and not me."

Carmen looked back down the hallway, but Spencer was long gone.

"Spencer slept with Kelly? My little Spencer? Who still has her 'My Little Pony' collection on display in her room?!"

Glen looked like he may vomit, or cry, Carmen wasn't sure. She felt like slapping the guy for making Spencer sound like some twelve year old girl, but figured she'd get a bad, well..._worse_, reputation if she did.

"Glen, shut up! Spencer's not a baby, okay? Yes, she slept with Kelly, she's gotten drunk before and on occasion she even says bad words like 'fuck' and 'shit'. Get over it, you've treated her like crap for the last few years and now all of a sudden you wanna play the concerned big brother? Where were you when she was bawling her eyes out, because all her so called friends ditched her? Where were you when people talked shit behind her back and made her feel like crap, huh? Nowhere, so really, don't give her shit about this!"

Then she's thumping down the hallway herself, leaving behind a stunned Glen, a whimpering Aiden and a silent Ashley. In her opinion, they could all kiss her ass today, she just didn't care. She had a best friend that's probably pretty pissed off with her and she thought she might be PMS-ing herself.

Carmen remembered Spencer said she thought she was PMS-ing when she snapped at her in the gym on Friday, so maybe they were like...in sync or something. She read somewhere that if you spend a lot of time with another female, you're cycles actually do that.

A hand on her elbow slows her down, because somehow she knows it's just Kyla. Carmen lets out an angry puff of air and gives her a half smile, because she realizes they've pretty much dragged the poor chick into their drama in less than a day. She figured Kyla was probably hoping to God right now that her Mom didn't marry Spencer's Dad or something.

"Sorry about that, it's not always like that with us."

Kyla smiled then at the hotheaded girl, strangely impressed with her impassioned speech back there.

"Honestly, I don't really mind. That was probably the most excitement I've had in months."

Relief floods through Carmen and she chuckles, a warm rush of feeling settling over her suddenly more relaxed body. Kyla seems to exude a certain calm that she can't help liking.

"Well, I'm glad we entertained you so much. I just hope the scene with Spencer is a little less...heated."

Carmen doubted it would be, because as much as Spencer could throw her toys if she wanted to, she was generally a chilled person and happened to have a soft spot for her. Still, it's not like Spencer was having the easiest time of it what with her Dad and all, so Carmen was a little nervous.

"I'm sure if you explain things she'll understand. I mean, she seemed so nice about the whole thing with me knowing about our parents dating and I'm a complete stranger, I doubt she'd be able to stay mad at you then over something like this."

Carmen couldn't argue with the logic in that statement and she gave a relieved smile, her arm snaking around Kyla's waist as she gave it an appreciative squeeze.

"Thanks. I think I needed to hear that."

They found Spencer in front of one of the girls bathrooms, her head halfway into her bag as she scratched around for her strawberry lip gloss. She was muttering under her breath and Carmen thought she heard something about 'baseball bat' and 'Carmen's head'. Her stomach dropped a little and her grip on Kyla's waist tightened.

"Uh...hey, Spence."

Spencer looked up and sighed, still feeling like she could just whack Carmen upside the head for telling her secret to Aiden of all people. They both new the guy was a complete moron after all. Before she could say anything though, Kyla stepps forward and gives her an uncertain smile.

"Just so you know, I don't think you're like...some whore or something now. Uh...so...yeah. Don't kill her or anything."

Then she gently shoves Carmen towards Spencer and walks off, sure that the two friends would appreciate some alone time to talk this through. She figured that even though it seemed they were all on their way to being friends, they weren't there yet and she didn't want to intrude. The two girls watch her walk off and then Spencer pulls Carmen into the bathroom.

"You promised you wouldn't tell."

Carmen shifts uncomfortably and leans against a stall, her eyes heavenward as she tries to find the right words to explain herself.

It's not like she really wants to tell Spencer that she was just jealous back then. It was natural she supposed, to feel left out when your best friend suddenly starts spending all her time with someone else. She knew she wasn't the first person to feel that way, to be unintentionally pushed aside when her best friend started dating someone, but she didn't enjoy the fact that she was secretly bothered by the whole thing.

Maybe if Kelly hadn't been such a skanky ho who basically stalked Spencer she would have handled the whole thing better, but she knew Kelly was bad news.

"Look, I know I promised and I meant it, it's just...I was a little..."

Carmen trails off, her eyes finding the floor now as Spencer stands and simmers in the corner.

Spencer already felt betrayed by her father and now her best friend was joining the party. Everyone was disappointing her in some way it seemed and it was getting her down. That combined with the ache that had started when she looked into Ashley's eyes was enough to make her feel just a little hurt, a little lost.

She hated doubting everyone like this, hated that she was so confused about Ashley all of a sudden and a very big part of her wanted to tell her best friend all about it, but Carmen was now suddenly part of the problem.

"Look, just tell me okay, I don't feel like standing around in a smelly bathroom while you figure a way out of this."

Carmen looked up, hurt at the tone in Spencer's voice. They never really fought, not seriously at least in the few years they had known each other and Carmen didn't like it one bit. She had enough fighting at home and with Aiden, she couldn't afford it with Spencer.

So she sucked in a breath and felt her face go red with embarrassment.

"I was jealous, okay? It felt like you were pushing me away and you were spending all your time with her and...I just felt...left out. So I got pissed off and maybe vented a bit towards Aiden." She was quiet for another second as she breathed deeply and rolled her eyes at herself. "I'm sorry."

Spencer couldn't help smiling at this.

Carmen wasn't the mushy type, she never said things like 'I love you' and she hated admitting it when she needed someone, so hearing her say that made Spencer actually giddy.

"Aw...you so love me! Come on, give me a hug Little Miss Needy."

Carmen snorted and tried to avoid Spencer's suddenly questing arms, her body rigid when she was finally trapped in a firm hug.

"Ugh...I'm not needy, okay! Stop hugging me! Come on, you're cutting off circulation here!"

She squirmed a little while longer before sighing and then relaxing, her arms going around Spencer and hugging back. She was actually so relieved that Spencer wasn't angry with her anymore she could cry, but public humiliation wasn't her thing, so she just sniffed once.

"I'm sorry I made you feel left out."

And Spencer was. She hadn't realized she was doing it at the time, but thinking back on it now, she had kinda blown Carmen off a few times to be with Kelly. It was just that Kelly had been her first girlfriend and everything was so new and great and she'd wanted to spend as much time with her as possible. She never gave a second thought to how that would make Carmen feel, seeing as before Kelly had come along, it was with Carmen she had spent most of her free time.

"Don't worry about it, we're even seeing as it is my fault your brother now knows you got down and dirty with someone. Uhm...I kind also bit his head off after you left, so if he calls me a raging bitch, that's why."

Spencer snickered and pulled back out of the hug, not wanting Carmen to have an affection over load or something and have a meltdown. She kinda liked having her around after all, hard ass attitude and all.

"Carmen, he calls you a raging bitch, because you _are_ one."

Carmen for her part was just relieved that she was in the okay, because being out in the cold where Spencer was concerned was not an option. They were sisters in her eyes, family. The fact that there was no blood relation didn't mean a damn thing to her.

"Oh, right. That could be the reason I guess. Ugh...I should probably go check on Aiden too. I may have nullified any chance he had of making mini Aidens someday."

Somehow Spencer felt a little relieved almost at that prospect. She couldn't really deny that she thought that sterilizing Aiden was the best idea ever. The boy was stupid and she figured the world could do with less of that. Carmen would have been doing the public in general a service if that was the case.

"Yeah, I guess..."

There was something in Spencer's tone that stopped Carmen from walking out the door though. The fact that Spencer was staring at the floor with that sad look on her face didn't help much either.

"Spence? Are you okay, I mean I guess that's a stupid question with everything going on, but is there something else bothering you?"

Spencer stood for a moment and wondered at the wisdom of talking about this. Once the subject of Ashley was open for discussion, it was open. Things she might not want to, or be ready to admit, might be said. That and the fact that she still wasn't sure what she wanted to say was holding her back. She needed time to think things through before talking, she knew that, but a part of her needed to address it now.

"Do you think Ashley still cares about me?"

The question was out. She couldn't take it back, no matter how much she suddenly wished she could. Her stomach was queasy, a feeling of dread swirling around in her head. That was a dangerous question to ask, especially to someone like Carmen who knew her well enough to know there was probably something more behind it.

"Do I think...well, does it matter if she does or doesn't still care about you?"

The question stilled Spencer for a moment, her body seemingly switching off as she went somewhere else. Carmen could clearly see that Spencer was deeply lost in thought, her eyes vacant as she stared unblinkingly at Carmen's left shoulder.

The urge to wave her hand in front of the zombie previously known as Spencer and pull funny faces was strong, but Carmen managed to control it. Sometimes her own budding maturity surprised even her.

Spencer finally snapped out of her two minute coma, blinking rapidly. Her heart was beating with renewed force and her mind was clear except for one thought.

It very much mattered to her if Ashley still cared about her or not. It mattered so much, because she still cared about Ashley. She cared the days when she spotted Ashley in the quad at lunch and the girl wasn't smiling, she cared when Ashley missed a day of school because she was sick, she just cared...so much.

She also cared too much when she saw her brother kiss Ashley, when the couple laughed together and went out on dates. She cared that it wasn't _her_ doing all those things with Ashley.

"Yeah, I think...I think it might matter to me. I think it might matter a lot, Carmen."

- - -

Ashley was angry. She was burning with anger and helpless to do anything about it.

Did she know she had no right to be angry, that she'd given up that right two years ago? Of course, still didn't make her any less mad.

It actually made her even angrier, at herself, at Spencer, just so much anger towards so many different people. Mostly she was mad at her mother and her father, mad that they were forced to live this false, happy life. That her mother's ambition in politics and her father's life in the spotlight as a clean cut rockstar meant she had to live up to so many standards.

The all American girl, with her cheerleader outfit and her basketball star boyfriend, with her good grades and her popular smile. She hated it all really. Hated the way Glen touched her, so sweetly and gently when she just wished most of the time he'd get it over and done with. Hated that no matter how tightly she closed her eyes and imagined someone else, it was always Glen that looked back at her when she finally opened her eyes.

Glen with his happy, goofy smile and blue eyes so much like his sister's.

Then she'd be back to getting mad at herself, back to hating her life so much. She didn't understand why she didn't just leave Glen, but then he'd come over to dinner and her mother would fawn all over him and her dad would talk basketball and she'd remember. Glen fit that picture of a happy family so well.

He was the all American boy and he fit so perfectly into the plan her mother had for her life.

Thing is he might have fit perfectly in _their_ life and image, but no one, not another single soul, had fit _Ashley_ as well as Spencer had.

Spencer let her be, never minded like her mother did when Ashley complained about cheer practice seeing as Ashley was actually pretty damn lazy and hated cheerleading, never made her feel like a failure because she didn't want to go to some big college and get a degree. Spencer had been the only person in her life that never wanted something from her, never tried to box her up or mold her into something she wasn't.

Then Spencer came out and Ashley was so afraid that Spencer was finally going to want the one thing from her that she couldn't give, no matter how much she wanted to.

So she pushed Spencer away, she worked her out of her life and gave in to her mother's prodding. She got the boyfriend they'd been bugging her about, became the captain of the cheerleading team and did even better in class.

So she lost Spencer and she had no one else to blame but herself and yet...

Yet she was still so mad at Spencer for sleeping with Kelly. She was mad that Spencer moved on and forgot the quiet, promising looks they once shared, forgot sleepovers where they curled into each other's bodies and fit so perfectly she'd positively ached from it.

Mostly she was mad at herself though for forcing Spencer to forget all of that.

"Babe, did you hear that? Carmen is such a...a...a raging bitch!"

Pulled back into the moment, the aching in her heart and burning anger died down to a quiet ebb. Back to playing her role, back to pretending.

"Hmm...well, what's new then? She's always a raging bitch in your eyes. Come on, I think Aiden's crying or something, maybe you should help him up."

It was pretty much true too, Aiden was five seconds away from bawling like a baby. His hand hurt and his crotch was on fire, a sharp pain shooting all the way up to his belly from the shock. Carmen had fucked him up in two moves flat and she was a _girl_. His ego was pretty much crushed along with his nuts.

Glen was still trying to clear his mind of the image of his baby sister, although Spencer was only born two minutes after him, going at it with Kelly. Well, not the actual image of them like, _doing it_, but the knowledge that they had! He really couldn't see why everyone in his family couldn't just be celibate or something.

Sighing, he leaned down and took Aiden's good hand, yanking him up. Glen was more than a little surprised when Aiden basically wrapped himself around him, almost hanging his full weight on the slightly smaller built boy.

"Jesus, Aiden. You weigh a ton, dude!"

Aiden just whimpered a bit.

"Fine, I guess I should take him...uh...where should I take him?"

They ended up dumping him at the nurses office where he got an ice pack for his hand and one for his nuts. Glen had to admit it was funny seeing Aiden sitting there, face scrunched up as he held strategically placed ice packs down. He got at least four shots off with his camera phone before Ashley took it off him.

Glen walked her to class then and gave her a quick kiss before wondering off, completely oblivious to the fact that Ashley had stiffened slightly at the contact. When she finally slumped down in her seat, her eyes fluttered about the room, looking as always for the one thing that makes her school day worth it.

She found it and felt her chest ease a bit, like she could breath for the first time after being at the bottom of the pool for too long. Her anger was still there, the hate that she carried daily with her, but it always seemed to fade at least a little bit when she saw Spencer.

So she sat and watched the girl, breathed in and out slowly and hoped that once, just _once_, Spencer would look up and see her. Would look up and know that she still cared, that she never ever stopped.

She was quite oblivious to the fact that Spencer already had her chance earlier in the day and that inside of the blond, there was a storm brewing...

- - -

**And that's the update for today. So hopefully you liked and if you did enjoy it, I would appreciate some feedback. Same goes for if there's something bugging you, tell me and I can always try to fix it!**

**Okay, so...that's it for now. I'm back to work tomorrow, so the updates will be back to once a week if I have time. I'll try to do both SY: The Reunion and this one on the weekends, but it might be wishful thinking. Maybe I'll try to do them in turns or something.**

**Anyway, feedback is encouraged and very much appreciated!**


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